you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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