you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you didnt know i had herpes?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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