Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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