God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
