I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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