I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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