I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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