sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
