just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
