Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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