Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
