I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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