I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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