I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
