I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
