fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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