well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
