Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Randomize
