I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
