Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We need a shit load of segways right now
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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