Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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