You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
