and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's great music for shaving your balls
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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