The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
