pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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