They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
