my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
