There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
