I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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