I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
