True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
