apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
