Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
