If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
