I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
