Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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