Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was a blind-side dick pic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
