I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
