I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
did i walk over a car last night?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
