I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
