my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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