does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
