I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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