I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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