my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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