I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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