how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
