I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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