I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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