he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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